There were many titles for this post: Tipping Point, Broken, Masquerade and more. Finally I settled on “Crash Into Me” because that’s what happened. I came crashing down onto myself.
It was a combination of things that had been building. Between work, personal life (friends and family) and of course, our never-ending fertility battle – it all suddenly became too much and I went down. Fast & hard.
The last six weeks have been getting increasingly difficult to even function as a normal adult. Everything looked great if you were on the outside looking in. Inside it was a maelstorm of darkness swirling around us, around me.
Last week, I was coming off the temporary high of a great weekend. The higher you are, the harder you have to fall.
We had an appointment with the clinic on Monday. I had to take a vaction day on Wednesday because I was finding life suddenly very claustrophic. Thursday I had an issue an at work and all the darkness came to a head. I broke down sobbing. Sobbing hard in front of my co-worker, office mate and friend. She kindly told me, “I think you need to go and see a doctor”. I begged for an appointment the next day. I cried off and off all day, all night. Even more so when the clinic (our doctor personally) called again (but that’s another post).
In the doctor’s office, I lost it. A sobbing hysterical mess in front of a relative stranger (it wasn’t my own doc, but someone else at her clinic). I have never been so humilated and so broken.
He told me, “you need to take some time off work”. I took the note to work, told my two bosses (yes, I have two…) and left. For at least two weeks. I cried more there too. Again, more humilation. I don’t know how I will face these people again.
And I don’t know what the next two weeks are going to bring. I have a new anti-depressant to try. I have an appointment with my psychologist on Wednesday. I plan to use this blog as a journal.
It’s my 34th birthday next week.