Crash Into Me

There were many titles for this post: Tipping Point, Broken, Masquerade and more.  Finally I settled on “Crash Into Me” because that’s what happened.  I came crashing down onto myself.

It was a combination of things that had been building.  Between work, personal life (friends and family) and of course, our never-ending fertility battle – it all suddenly became too much and I went down.  Fast & hard.

The last six weeks have been getting increasingly difficult to even function as a normal adult.  Everything looked great if you were on the outside looking in. Inside it was a maelstorm of darkness swirling around us, around me.

Last week, I was coming off the temporary high of a great weekend. The higher you are, the harder you have to fall.

We had an appointment with the clinic on Monday. I had to take a vaction day on Wednesday because I was finding life suddenly very claustrophic.  Thursday I had an issue an at work and all the darkness came to a head.  I broke down sobbing.  Sobbing hard in front of my co-worker, office mate and friend.  She kindly told me, “I think you need to go and see a doctor”.  I begged for an appointment the next day.  I cried off and off all day, all night.  Even more so when the clinic (our doctor personally) called again (but that’s another post).

In the doctor’s office, I lost it.  A sobbing hysterical mess in front of a relative stranger (it wasn’t my own doc, but someone else at her clinic).  I have never been so humilated and so broken.

He told me, “you need to take some time off work”.  I took the note to work, told my two bosses (yes, I have two…) and left. For at least two weeks.  I cried more there too.  Again, more humilation. I don’t know how I will face these people again.

And I don’t know what the next two weeks are going to bring. I have a new anti-depressant to try. I have an appointment with my psychologist on Wednesday. I plan to use this blog as a journal.

It’s my 34th birthday next week.



2 thoughts on “Crash Into Me

  1. I am so so sorry you are struggling so deeply. Major kudos to you for reaching out, getting some help, and taking time off of work for yourself. Sending you love and support. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that it was such a hard crash. I hope the time off is a great healing time for you and that you can focus on yourself. Spoil yourself the most you can because you deserve it. Sending lots of hugs your way.


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