I don’t know what to say

I don’t want this to be a whiny,self pitying, depressing blog any more than I want to be that person – but the reality is that’s where my head is at right now. 

I haven’t been feeling well and that’s just compounded a complete and utter lack of motivation to do anything. 

So I haven’t posted because I don’t know what to say.  And I still don’t. 

Not a Diet

Infertility is a disease that affects 1 in 6 couples. My hubby and I have unexplained infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss. This is a medical diagnosis by a doctor who is also a fertility specialist and obstetrician.

Apparently though, many people are doctors.

If I have one more person tell me to “get healthy” or avoid this/that/other – I am going to lose it.

Here’s a news flash: I know I am overweight. I don’t need you to hint at it. I have eyes and I can see in the mirror.

But if my weight or percieved lack of physical activity was an issue, my doctor would tell me. Not that it’s anyone’s business, but these have been discussed, in great detail (including diet, alcohol, activity) and not only does my doctor not feel it’s NOT a problem, he wants me to stay where I am because my test results are all perfect so obviously whatever I am doing is working.  By “perfect” I mean that  my hormones, lining, tubes, blood work, antibodies, etc are all great and in the ranges they need to be.

Whatever isn’t working with our fertility is being caused by something, but science isn’t there yet. In the same way we don’t have a cure for diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer’s or anything else.

Yes, your friend or [insert celebrity here] may have tried some fad or unproven thing at the request of a naturopath/physio/not-a-doctor but that’s their story and not mine…and you should probably read this or better yet, http://www.fastcodesign.com/3030529/infographic-of-the-day/hilarious-graphs-prove-that-correlation-isnt-causation

BFN aka Tell Me What I Don’t Know

Clinic called yesterday and to no surprise of mine, the test was negative and I am not pregnant.  I told them I had my period but they insisted on the blood test anyway. Super.  Thanks.  Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know?!

I sat and waited for my ill-fated pregnancy while my SIL gave birth to a baby boy.  I got my period on her due date.  The irony of this is not lost on me.

I am alternating between shock and anger.  But just a little anger because as soon as it comes I block it out of my head.  I think about ANYTHING else.  Because I know if I let it, it will take over.  It will be all encompassing, black-out hysterical rage and sadness…and I just can’t handle that right now. I have a job (literally, my full time one) to do.  I have to keep functioning for now.

For now.

untitled

 

 

Alternate Reality

I am living in an alternate reality.

My currently reality is one where everyone (I swear EVERYONE) is pregnant and we are not.

I am currently unable to handle this reality and am choosing to live in an alternate one.  One where if I deliberately, consciously, and carefully do not think about reality and my own miserable and hopeless situation then I can almost breathe.

Almost.

With a Vengeance

*TMI Warning*

My 14 days post-IUI POAS was a resounding BFN. The light blood was steadily increasing in intensity. 

I called the clinic and they advised to continue the progesterone and wait until the beta test on Tues. “Just in case”

Friday it became full AF, complete with clots. Friday night I gave up on the progesterone and any remaining hope. 

Friday was also my SIL’s due date. Isn’t that nice? Ha. The universe has a sick sense of humour. 

So IUI #6 officially failed. I didn’t have a ton of hope, only 1 of the previous ones had worked, but it still hurt. 

I did spend a good chunk of the day ugly crying in my car. Thankfully the people I work with tactfully pretended they didn’t notice.  

I think I have now reverted to a weird, numb sense of disbelief and self-preservation. 

This is the end of the road friends. If not completely, then for a while. 

My Rose

I bought the Rose at the start of the last IVF. 

Rose, we will grow together. 

I gave her her very own pot, a place to grow.  I added more soil and I tended it with care. I moved her to the sun when she didn’t look so well and I watered her with love. 

I thought if Rose can grow, maybe I can grow too. 

Maybe if I tend to everything with love and care, give it a safe place and water it and feed it just right, then maybe, just maybe I can grow a baby along with Rose. 

Somethings grow, and somethings don’t.