Giving Up 

I give up. If this IVF doesn’t work I am walking away. Into years of therapy and changing broken dreams into new ones. 

DH’s grandma passed away and having to see his family is bringing up a lot of shit. Having a little cry fest (ugly cry at that) to myself because at 32 weeks pregnant my SIL “isn’t going to risk the 6 hour drive to the funeral”. And all I can think about is the fact that I should be 10 days away from my due date and it should be me not going instead of her. 

I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t. 

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3 thoughts on “Giving Up 

  1. I know the feeling of “it should be me” all too well. I know how painful and devastating that can feel. My sister-in-law volunteered to be a surrogate for me 3 years ago. I never asked, she volunteered. I even told her I couldn’t accept the wonderful offer because I was convinced she didn’t understand the gravity of what she was offering me. After months of persuasion, I accepted. One week before the IVF was to take place, her husband called me saying she had a heart condition and she shouldn’t get pregnant. 3 months later, she’s pregnant with a child of her own. I resent her so much for the human being (her child) which is a lasting reminder that I should have a child that age. I know I’m not allowed to be angry (says the world.) But it’s so hard.

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