If Only

If Baby 2 (whom we named Daisy) had survived, she would have been born sometime around this week or next.

She was our IVF baby and we were elated that the IVF had been successful. The IVF process itself had not been pleasant for me. But that’s another post.

The fertility clinic books the 7 week ultrasound for you. You get to go to a special part of the radiology clinic (all in the same building). I was terrified. Once you have been there before, you know The Fear. Most people think they are scared, but it doesn’t happen to them so they don’t really ever know  The Fear.  Or their miscarriage happens with bleeding. Not a lot of people get to experience an ultrasound where you are told there is no heartbeat without any warning. Trust me when I say this. And once it happens to you, there is no turning back. No period in time where you will ever not have The Fear.

The Tech was kind and she did the ultrasound and quietly told us she could not see a heartbeat. We asked for the measurements and it was measuring exactly the right size. There is no grey area with measurements when it is IVF, you know the gestational age to just about the hour. The radiologist came in and told us that he believed it was a missed miscarriage. But because the baby was the right size we asked to see our fertility clinic doctor.

Our doctor said the same thing.

We asked to wait another week and they reluctantly agreed and scheduled another ultrasound for a week later.

I worked that week. I honestly can’t tell you what I even did. I think I was busy. I think I was even efficient – in between intermittent crying periods – because I was dying inside. I was empty.

A week later the tech barely bothered to do a proper ultrasound. The fetal pole was gone. The dead tissue absorbed into the sac. A confirmed fetal demise.

The options were presented, a D&C or try to pass it myself with misoprostol. They push the misoprostol (after all it is non-surgical) and it had worked with the first miscarriage so I decided to try it again.

We had guests come that weekend, it was just before Easter. I don’t recommend houseguests when having a miscarriage. I did the first round and passed a bit of blood, clots and tissue. I went for an ultrasound the next morning at the clinic. The sac was still there. I was given a second round. It is supposed to work with two doses for 80% of people. I didn’t pass anything. We have the most amazing luck with statistics, only it never seems work for lottery tickets.

Next ultrasound and it was clear that the sac was still there.   Misoprostol round 3.

I tried everything with round 3. A hot bath, Advil, cinnamon, you name it.   And still nothing passed.

It was this moment where I stopped believing in God. I am sorry if that offends you.

Three rounds of sitting on the toilet with cramping and pain and waiting for my large blood clot to pass so I can flush my baby down the toilet. And still nothing.

Sunday I was put on alert for an emergency D&C. Monday morning I was instructed to go and sit in emergency. 9 hours later I was discharged from the hospital. D&C completed. Baby gone and over $10,000 poorer with nothing to show for it.

We left two days later for Hong Kong. I continued to pass blood and have excruciating cramps during our four days of sight-seeing. The heat and humidity made everything worse. Sometimes I had to go back to the hotel and just sleep. We then travelled to Bali where we had booked an incredible private villa with our pool. A pool I wasn’t allowed to go in, near an ocean I couldn’t swim in for fear of infection.   What a tragic f**king joke.

I wonder what she would have looked like, our Daisy.

Wonder

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4 thoughts on “If Only

  1. I’m so sorry. Your story resemble mine in so many (sad) ways, the IVF 7 weeks scan crushing the hope, the triple dose of misoprostol not working, being on vacation by the beach and not being able to enjoy it (with my third baby)… I know the pain and I’m so sorry you know it too. Sending you love and strength

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  2. Man, I wish no one would have to go through this! I’ve been there, many times over, and your post eloquently captures the heartbreak. I hope that you keep writing throughout your journey. It can be very healing to get the feelings out on paper, and it is so helpful to others to be able to connect with your experience. We all feel so alone, and there are so few people who can relate to what we’ve been through. Take care of yourself. Sending hugs and good wishes your way!

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  3. Thank you for your blog. A friend (who had her own fertility struggles) sent it to me many months ago when she learned of our long struggle with infertility. I thought we’d had a miracle when we unexpectedly became pregnant this fall, but at 9 weeks my doctor decided to check on things rather than waiting until 12 weeks since we’d been trying for so long. Unfortunately now I know “the fear” and I know if we do get pregnant again I’m going to be anxious the whole time (which I already was this time before knowing something had gone wrong). I opted for a D&C last week to get things over with and although invasive I’m happy it’s over. I found myself back on your blog today and it helps me to know there are others who can relate. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to share your posts with family and friends and let them in on our struggles, but until I’m strong enough to do that I’ll keep reading your blog in private and crying myself to sleep, but I do so knowing I’m not alone. Thank you for sharing your pain, I hope it brings you comfort as you comfort others.

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