Broken

About three weeks ago, I broke. After a slew of pregnancy announcements, friend issues and work issues, I fell apart. I was driving and I had to pull over because I was crying so hard and felt so hopeless. It was without a doubt my lowest point in this journey. I wanted to drive my car into a light post. I wanted the air bag to go off and I wanted to be hurt. Because then no one would expect anything from me. I could stay away from work and friends and family and even my obligations as an adult. I could hide being mentally broken behind a physical injury. I scared myself.

This was near the end of the week and that Saturday I saw my psychologist who told me my depression baseline was the lowest it had ever been. Lower than after the third miscarriage. She recommended I go and see my doctor because she wasn’t sure she could help me in the state I was in. For cognitive behavioral therapy to work, you have to be able to do it and I was at a barely functioning state. I had had peaks and valley before but this was the lowest valley and one that seemed impossible to climb out of.

The weekend passed and I wasn’t able to go to work. I didn’t care anymore. I phoned in sick for two days. I was sick but it wasn’t something I could explain. Ultimately, I went to my doctor and she agreed with my psychologist, I needed help to get myself to a point where I could help myself.

I started an anti-depressant called sertraline (you might know it as Zoloft) and a sleeping pill called trazodone (which is also an anti-depressant).   It takes a while for anti-depressants to kick in (apparently 3 weeks) and I am at the 3 week mark now and I am “functioning”. I wouldn’t say it has been a huge success. Thankfully I have had better results with the trazodone and I can now sleep through the night. I haven’t slept through the night in well over a year. It’s a start, I guess.   A start towards putting the pieces back together.

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8 thoughts on “Broken

  1. I am so glad you’ve reached out for help! I firmly believe that the mental health side of infertility and loss is so often overlooked and I’m really glad you are taking care of yourself. Sending you love and wishing you more better days in the future.

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  2. Found you through Mo’s blogroll. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. And I’m so glad you are getting the help you need.

    Speaking from experience (birth control pills caused me depression and then eventually I had to go back on them when I didn’t bounce back emotionally and mentally from our 4th miscarriage), if the Zoloft and Trazodone itself don’t get you to a place that you think is an appropriate baseline, some patients have had better results with combining Wellbutrin and Zoloft than they’ve gotten with just one or the other. I’ve been on that combination in the past, and it was effective.

    Please know that my blog may not be one that you want to visit, at least not at this point. I have two kiddos – they were my 7th and 8th pregnancies (IVF/FETs), after 1 miscarriage, 3 failed adoptions, and 5 more miscarriages.

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  3. I firmly believe that reaching out for help, being honest about how low you feel, is one of the hardest and bravest things you can do. So I hope you can recognise that, and give yourself a pat on the back – or more appropriately, a huge, enveloping, loving and self-compassionate hug. It sounds as if you’ve been through an awful lot – stresses upon stresses – and I hope you can feel yourself coming through that. I wish you the very best.

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  4. I don’t know how you did it, but you did it. You made it, somehow. You were drowning and you kept coming up for air. I’m so glad you didn’t give up on yourself. I know that feeling when all you want is something drastic to happen so you don’t have to function and fake it anymore. You can just lie down and STOP. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you want to drive through a wall just so you can’t stop pretending you’re all right, as if then you could show all the physical hurt that your insides feel. But somehow you did not do that. I’m so grateful that you chose to get help.

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